Buyer Beware

The word is that Bobby Abreu is happy in Philly and that if any teams out there expect him to break his no-trade clause, they're going to have to show him some serious money.

As a Phillies fan, I say, take the motherfucker, please. But as a purportedly objective sportswriter, I say... think twice.

Like most sports dorks of the male persuasion, I revel in statistics, but I confess that there is an emotional, Pavlovian co-efficient that I rely on heavily when assessing a player's true value. You can talk about how hot the fire is till the cows come home, but when you stick your hand in the flame, your mind goes to work for you long before the thought actually takes shape - "hey, this shit is hot, I should remove my hand at my earliest convenience." When a player has burned you, your synapses take note. Invisible stat sheets trigger an involuntary response at the mere mention of the offending motherfucker's name.

You know a player is truly great when you have rooted against him, and feared and outright hated the bastard. Roger Staubach comes to mind. My colleagues at my old show Classic Now used to think I had Staubach sitting way too high on the quarterbacks' Parnassus, but man, I'm telling you, when you were an Eagles fan in the late 70's and early 80's, the greatness of that son of a bitch was etched on your heart in acid.

On the flip side, you know a player is truly great when you've rooted for him and felt that warm, almost childlike sense of safety and confidence when he comes to the plate, or gets the ball, or does anything. Mike Schmidt is the embodiment of that feeling for me. He was a loathsome personality, and even as a kid I thought he was an idiot, but oh when he came up to bat in a big situation, I felt like I was sleeping in the back of my parents' station wagon on a long drive home from the beach. I was very content to put my life in his hands.

Bobby Abreu, for all his five-tool bluster and opulent power numbers and on base-percentages, for all that he seems that he SHOULD be, is not a player I trust in the slightest. I don't need to break out the hard stats to tell you this in all certainty - he is not worth the money he's being paid. On occasion, he is capable of extraordinary things, but those occasions are mercurial, subject to his inscrutable whims. Of the teams rumored to be interested in him, I can imagine only the Yankees paying such a price for so much sizzle and so little steak. And if they do, sweet Jesus, I can't wait to hear what George has to say about the deal come September.