Cowgirls are the Best Girls

Cowgirls are hot. And even when they aren’t hot it is easy to mistake them for being hot because of the inherent greatness of any woman who can handle a horse.

At the rodeo there are two types of cowgirl; the barrel racers, who are at the rodeo to ride fast and get paid; and the Rodeo Queens, who are like beauty pageant contestants on horses.

To be a Rodeo Queen (left and above), you have to be pretty, like shiny clothes, ride a horse, and give a speech or maybe dance or something. I don’t really know. Queens tend to make up for their lack of toughness by smiling and waving to me as they ride past.

I like to pretend that there is a connection between Miss New Mexico and myself, that we make eye contact and that her smiles and waves are heartfelt.

But deep down, I sense hollowness in our interaction. It is the equivalent of being waved to by a ring card girl, if the ring card girl gave a speech, and wasn't a stripper, and herded stray calves out of the arena.

I prefer the barrel racers (right) because they don't play with my emotions. Barrel racers would kick me in the teeth and let their horses trample me as soon as look at me. They are amazing. One at a time, against the clock, they kick their horses and race like mad women around the triangle course, turning on a dime around the barrels marking the points. The whole thing takes about 17 seconds.

Nearly all barrel racers look hot at a distance. But it turns out that some are very old. If you ever make it to the rodeo, watch them warm up. The young ones are almost too beautiful to bear.