God Hates the National League

Jesus too. The apple doesn't fall, etc. God and Jesus can't be bothered to actually follow the whole interminable baseball season, what with all the babies starving and sinners to punish and everything else they have to do, so every year they catch the All-Star Game and that's about it.

But man, they fucking despise the National League. Every year it's the same routine:

"Look, Jesus, let's not get involved this year, let's just see what happens, it's petty for us to hate the National League so much."

"You know, God, you're right. Actually, I was thinking I might not even watch this year."

"What, you're not coming over? Would it kill you to call..."

So God guilts Jesus into coming over and watching the game and they stay out of it for a while, but then, just like when you and your friends are hanging out and you've all kind of decided that you're not going to do coke anymore but then somebody orders a Coke, and then someone else says "mmm coke" and the next thing you know you've called El Jefe eighty times and you're standing outside a strip club in the rain just praying he shows up even though he hasn't even called you back yet... right then, God says something like, "well, it looks like the National League is gonna win one at last," and Jesus says, "Yeah... I fucking hate the National League," and God says, "yeah, they blow, let's fuck em up."

Two minutes later, Michael Young is Achilles, Trevor Hoffman is my grandmother, and goodnight Irene.