Classic No Mas - Worst... Super Bowl... Ever
(For the most part, I like to pretend that the Super Bowl isn't happening, because the whole thing gives me the heebie-jeebies and because, well, if you want to stay on top of the injury updates and how many times Tom Brady peed yesterday, you're probably not looking to No Mas for your info. That said, it is a thang, the Super Bowl, and so today I thought I'd take you back to my post from last year about the glory that was Super Bowl XXIX...)
On January 29, 1995, the San Francisco 49ers were slated to meet the San Diego Chargers in Super Bowl XXIX, and for some reason they went ahead and played the game anyway. What ensued was an orgy of strangeness and bad feelings that started off with Kathie Lee Gifford singing the national anthem and then got worse.
First of all, there was the fact that the Chargers were in it. Led by Bobby Ross, no less. I can't even remember who their quarterback was. Wait a second, it's coming back to me... ah who cares. How can you remember the Chargers quarterback when the Niners quarterback had such a record-setting evening? Let's recap shall we:
The score of the game is thought to have ended up at around 278-12, but the final tally was ultimately deemed mathematically incalculable and is now represented by a symbol that looks something like what Prince's name used to be. As if all that wasn't bad enough, whereas the Super Bowl usually does pretty well in the ratings, Super Bowl XXIX actually lost its ratings timeslot to both the shows on the other networks - NBC had a Sanford and Son marathon while CBS was showing like, one of the old Super Bowls. A good one.
On January 29, 1995, the San Francisco 49ers were slated to meet the San Diego Chargers in Super Bowl XXIX, and for some reason they went ahead and played the game anyway. What ensued was an orgy of strangeness and bad feelings that started off with Kathie Lee Gifford singing the national anthem and then got worse.
First of all, there was the fact that the Chargers were in it. Led by Bobby Ross, no less. I can't even remember who their quarterback was. Wait a second, it's coming back to me... ah who cares. How can you remember the Chargers quarterback when the Niners quarterback had such a record-setting evening? Let's recap shall we:
49ers QB Steve Young set a Super Bowl record by throwing for nineteen touchdowns on 7,010 yards passing.- Wide receiver Jerry Rice set Super Bowl records by catching twelve of those touchdowns and also managing to make passionate love to every one of the Chargers cheerleaders while the game was still in progress.
- Ricky Watters also scored six touchdowns, including three during halftime.
The score of the game is thought to have ended up at around 278-12, but the final tally was ultimately deemed mathematically incalculable and is now represented by a symbol that looks something like what Prince's name used to be. As if all that wasn't bad enough, whereas the Super Bowl usually does pretty well in the ratings, Super Bowl XXIX actually lost its ratings timeslot to both the shows on the other networks - NBC had a Sanford and Son marathon while CBS was showing like, one of the old Super Bowls. A good one.
posted by Large at 11:16 AM
8 Comments:
Stan F'n Humphries. And I only remember that because, during the fourth quarter of last year's Super Bowl, I started thinking to myself, "Well, at least Grossman isn't (Insert Shitty Super Bowl QB here.)" I only got through Humphries and Tony Eason before I got blindingly drunk and started weeping in the corner.
I can't even remember last year's Super Bowl. I've watched every Super Bowl since the first Cowboys/Steelers (except for the first Niners/Bengals) and I hardly remember anything that happened in any of them. The whole thing is some weird illusionary timewarp. It's the type of spectacle that makes me think the Matrix is real.
I think the Super Bowl, as in the game, is only memorable at this point if your team is in it. For the neutral fan there are so few games -- or moments, even -- that stick out. Scott Norwood comes to mind. Poor bastard. I lived and died with the Bears last year, because I'm too young to remember the '85 Bears and seriously thought they would never make a run to the big game again in my lifetime.
As for the SUPER BOWL -- the de facto national holiday of gluttony and commercialism -- is it even meant to be memorable? I went back and read your post from last year, about the Problem of the Super Bowl and the military-like commercialization of it all. And you're right, Large. Everything is Uber-programmed. I remember making $20 a couple years ago because I predicted the three songs the Rolling Stones were going to play at the Halftime show. We know what to expect from the SUPER BOWL going in, regardless of what happens in the Super Bowl. We'll gorge ourselves on nachos. We'll get drunk. At a Super Bowl party, more people will shoosh everyone quiet during the commercials than during the game. Half the beer ads will be amusing, the other half will suck. Some commercial will make everyone say "They spent $2.6 million on THAT?!?!" The game is irrelevant. And we'll do it all again in 2009.
I started this post with the intention of saying that Super Bowl Sunday is nothing more than a day-long high. But I don't even think its that. I think its everything about contemporary American culture, cranked up to 11.
most people dont realize that at some point during the 4th quarter tommy lee jones comes out with that device from men in black and we forget everything that happens.
i predict an Eli meltdown in the 1st half with a courageous 2nd half comeback to win it all.
only because eli/peyton will pull a which manning am i?
just like the killer bees used to do.
"i dont know which manning is on the field, but POW! he's doinaheckuva job out there."- John Madden
I was in 5th grade when this went down and I was at a Super Bowl 'party' with my fellow peers. Nobody really cared about the Super Bowl except for my friend, Will, who was a diehard Niners fan. I was all about the other TV set up with the Sega Channel, and we were playing Buster Douglas Boxing. Now those were the days. Oh yeah...haha Stan Humphries. Man that guy got shuffled to the bottom of the deck insanely fast. And come to think of it wasn't there a guy by the name of Tatupu that would celebrate touchdowns by pretending to drink coconut milk from the football (on the Chargers)? I'd say it's the Sam Adams lubing my brain to retrieve these rather obscure memories....
Humphries career was ended by multiple consussions.
The Tatupu you are remembering is Alfred Papunu, a former Chargers tight end.
Whoops, meant to say "concussions" there.
it was alfred pupunu who drank the coconut milk.
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