Jesus in Augusta

"... and as a Large wild card, I recommend keeping an eye on Zach Johnson." - No Mas Weekend TV Guide, 4/6/07


To begin our No Mas Masters round-up, I would like to say that, yes, I am a great genius. Then again, one did not even need such Large-ian genius and foresight to be able to predict a Masters victory for Zach "The Apostle" Johnson - all one needed to know was the depth of his commitment to Jesus Christ, Zach's personal savior. The Son of God was NOT about to let down one of his peeps on Easter Sunday. Somewhere up there, Payne Stewart and the Lord were watching CBS and nodding together, solemnly.

Now let me address some of my concerns:

• Golf fashion is in the toilet. It's gotten so bad that it's almost painful to watch, and this year's champion is a veritable walking advertisement for everything that has gone wrong. The wraparound sunglasses worn up over the back of the head when putting or chipping or doing anything really, only to be replaced on one's actual eyes when one takes one's Terminator walk down the fairway or circles the green with fratfist pumping. The lycra/spandex style athletic golfwear that looks suspiciously like the kind of stuff that overzealous chicks buy themselves to do yoga in. And said sportswear covered with sponsors like Regon and Edgecom and NetTech.ComEdge and all of the other ridiculous types of companies that sponsor golfers today - those deep business-type companies that you can't understand what they do even when someone is trying to explain it to you - "constructive solutions for a changing global data-based network infrastructure blargedy blarge blarf blarf..." Tom Watson, where have you gone? What the hell was wrong with skinny dudes in checkered pants? Or just a bloody polo and a sweater. You know when Tiger Woods seems like the height of class and style on a golf course that class and style themselves are in a state of decline.
  
• One over par? What is this the U.S. Open? If you didn't hear Jim Nance say so on the broadcast, then let me reiterate that this is the first time that The Masters has been won at one over par since the 1956 tournament, where Jack Burke Jr. edged amateur Ken Venturi by a stroke. Despite leading by 4 shots going into Sunday, Venturi missed his chance to become the only amateur ever to win the Masters by shooting a final-round 80 in insanely windy conditions. Later that year, Burke added another major to his resume by winning the PGA - those were the only two majors he won in his career.
• Bring me the head of Sam Elliott. One more of those IBM ads with the freakin Bach cello suite being played on the banjo and down-home man's man Sam Elliott talking in banal platitudes about how golf is exactly like business and businessmen are great competitors who need that extra edge just like golfers and "hmm, partner" this, and "have a piece of the pie" that and oh Jesus somebody kill that guy already or I'm doing it.
• Pigs flying through frozen hell. Tiger's showing today was not quite as humiliating as Phil's collapse at Winged Foot last year (and by the way, did you hear Lefty's interview with Peter Kostis after his round? Ole Phil is, uh, a little tired of hearing about Winged Foot, thank you very much), but something tells me that this tournament has the potential to be a turning point in the general direction of golf. I mean, Tiger Woods losing a major from the final pairing? I don't have the energy right now to go look it up, but I'd be shocked if that has ever happened before. When Tiger has a sniff of the lead on Sunday, Tiger wins the flippin big check, no questions asked. But not today. Today he had a legitimate case of the yips. Meanwhile, although the top 20 boasted more than its fair share of established superstars - Woods, Goosen, Singh - it also had a lot of guys who have been knocking on the door of the big guns for a few years now - Justin Rose, Paddy Harrington, Paul Casey, Luke Donald, Tim Clark. Not to mention that Nationwide Tour All-Star Zach Johnson walked away with the green jacket. No doubt Tiger will go out and win the U.S. Open and the British and shut me the hell up, but I don't know. I felt a shift in The Force during this tournament. Darth Vader may have left the building for a while. It's just a hunch, but you know people... I've been right before.