Please God, if you get me out of this one I'll never touch nandrolone again so long as I live...

Unlike you, with that pissass hangover you woke up with this morning, Justin Gatlin is completely fucked. News broke today that The World's Fastest Man tested positive for unusually high levels of testosterone in April, and now faces a lifetime ban from track and field.

Gatlin is a classic case, because he's said all along that he was going to be the guy that singlehandedly cleaned up all of track and field's drug problems. Evidently, he planned to do that with the help of a lot of drugs.

I'll toot my own horn a bit and tell you that I called this one in Athens, but then again, who didn't? Gatlin's coach is Trevor Graham. It doesn't take Miss Marple to get to the bottom of that one.

I like Gatlin, but as with so many cocky sprinter idiots, he throws around the Lord's name a little too much in regards to his triumphs and it's hard to feel too bad for him on the whole. He resorted to the old "I have no idea how this situation came to pass" defense, which is wearing awfully thin. Maybe, like Roid Landis, he will blame it on drinking too much whiskey. That was original at least. Or maybe something like this - "The night before the meet I ate this peanut buster parfait at Dairy Queen, but I swear, the shit tasted a little testosteroney..."

Gatlin, with Asafa Powell, co-holds the world record in the hundred meters. Looks like now the record belongs solely to Powell, until he tests positive for something, which shouldn't be very long in coming.

Gatlin Admits Failing Drug Test (BBC Sport)
Sprinter Gatlin tests positive (L.A. Times)