The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Yessiree Mike Wallace I am Roger Clemens, shake and bake, and I want say something to you right here about this right now - whatever you're about to say with that freaky little fishface of yours, it never happened. Didn't happen never no how. Hogwash. Bullnuggets. Crapfarts. NEH-VER HAP-UND. Did not never.

Look at me over here Mike Wallace - yeah I'm sweating like a stuck pig and shaking like a little girl and drinking a lot of water cause my mouth is so dang dry I can barely taste my own spit. But hey, that's what men DO when they're outraged at false accusations - they shake like little girls and they SWEAT. But see, answer me this one smart guy... where's my third eye growing out of my forehead? They call that there the Steroid Eye, everybody knows about that, and look at me. I ain't got one, do I? And heck, do you see me pulling tractors around with my teeth? No! You know why? I can't do it. I tried and I can't. You do the math.

One thing I've learned in this life, and may I say goddang you got yourself some weird-looking little fish lips over there, but look, the point is... the higher you get up the flagpole, the more everybody can see your butt, especially if you're wearing one of them hospital gowns where your butt's always sticking out anyways which is why I never wear one of them stupid things when I'm climbing flagpoles. And see, here's the thing I been wantin to tell you about my butt. I've had so many needles stuck in my butt over the years it might as well be a pin-cushion. People have shot me up with B-12, lidocaine, caffeine, steroids, nasal decongestant, WD-40, pancake syrup. I mean, how the dang freakin heck am I supposed to keep track of what's getting put in my own damn butt when half the time I don't even know myself?

Wait a second. Did I say "steroids" back there? I misspoke myself. All that other stuff, yes, but not steroids. It's a quick fix and I don't do that mess. I work HARD. Never happened, uh uh.

Okay, okay, I knew you was gonna do it. You're gonna bring up his name right in front of my face aren't ya? Okay, Mike Wallace, you wanna play like that, things are gone get real 'motional here now for ole Rog, ya hear? You see, Brian McNamee was my BRO, man. Shake and bake. I remember one time we's watching Goodfellas at my ranch with a couple strippers and the guy who stocks my lake with trout and then on the screen Robert DeNiro said, "the rules are you don't rat on your friends and you keep your mouth shut," and I immediately said "that right there is the word of God" and my trout guy didn't say nothing but Brian was like, "shake and bake, Rog, shake and bake," and I thought we understood each other Mike! I thought he knew I didn't want him telling nobody about my private business or what I choose to put in my butt!

And now this! Goddang freaky darn, he done called me up right before the report was faxed out to my house and said... well first he said, "shake and bake" so I said "shake and bake"... but then he said, "Rog, where the goshdanged heck are those fishing poles we like to use over at Cabo, you know the ones..." and of course I knew the ones cause they're my favorite fishing poles in the whole wide world, and so then I TOLD HIM WHERE THEY WAS. CAUSE HE WAS MY BRO! You think I woulda told some guy who wasn't my bro and who I knew was gonna get me in all kinds of trouble where my good Cabo fishing poles are, MY FAVORITE DANG FISHING POLES? See what I'm saying? It's pretty obvious what's going on here. But hey, that's America for you, that's the country we live in. Guilty until proven innocent. I'm telling you, I got half a mind to take that "Love It or Leave It" flag off my Firebird.