Testosterone Tuesday

Look I have to fess up - I didn't even know that two-time Indy 500 champ Helio Castroneves was on this season of "Dancing with the Stars." I learned that last night, when I tuned in to check out Floyd's debut. So, with that as a disclaimer for just what kind of DWS fan I am, I bring you my assessment of both Floyd and Helio's performances on last night's show, dubbed "Testosterone Tuesday" by the diabolical geniuses behind this ballroom-dancing clusterfuck.

FLOYD
Oh Jesus that was embarrassing. What WAS that? I just don't... okay okay, here's the breakdown. We start by learning that Floyd is the best pound-for-pound boxer in the world, and that he is dancing with the best pound-for-pound dancer in the world, a muscular Latin chick who looks like she's at least a junior welterweight if Floyd is a true 147. We watch them training. Floyd announces that he is trying to do something that has never been done before - train for "Dancing with the Stars" and train for a world title fight (Hatton) simultaneously. I checked the Ring Encyclopedia on this, and he's right - it never has been successfully accomplished before, and it's only been attempted once, by Rocky Graziano before the second Tony Zale fight.

The meta-narrative for the Floyd training sequence (and I'm talking META-narrative - maybe 20 seconds of development on this) is that Floyd is a talented dancer but headstrong, difficult to train. His Latin chick storms out on him after a saucy exchange. She comes back. Floyd vows that he will defer to her wisdom, that he will not let her down. The faces of Mickey Goldmill and Obi-Wan Kenobi appear to Floyd in a dream. "Use the FORCE Rock!"

Now is the time on Sprockets when they dance. Look, I know as much about ballroom dancing as I-berg knows about judo, but this just does not look like ballroom dancing to me. Floyd looks really nervous, unlike how he looks, say, before a big fight. He jumps around doing hip-hop type crunk thrusts while his babe kicks and shimmies and seems to be doing a completely different dance than he is. The music sounds like a salsa remix of a 50 Cent song. This, we're informed, is what's known as a "Cha Cha Cha." I'll bet all those crunked-out homies in Atlanta didn't know that's what they were up to. Afterwards, while the judges express enthusiastic unease, Floyd drips buckets of sweat from his forehead and smiles awkwardly. Later on they get their scores, three sixes, which I gather is not good. I think Floyd is rightfully on the chopping block, which is very good news to Large, both because I'm embarrassed for him and because if he gets voted off I don't have to watch this shit anymore. It's in my No Mas contract.

HELIO
Helio is paired with the woman who was the winning professional on last year's show, and she is kind of hot in a blonde boopsie sort of way. To the camera, Helio says that he is the two-time defending Indy 500 champion, and he guarantees that he will make what's-her-face the two-time defending DWS champion. Nice one. They train. Ten-second interlude while Helio has a terrible career-threatening accident on the racetrack. What's-her-face paces nervously in the dance room - will Helio appear? is Helio dead or unrecognizably disfigured? No, wait, there he is, he's not dead. He's not even hurt. Ha ha ha. They train some more.

Their chosen dance is the Forbidden Fox-trot. This, I must say, looks a little more like ballroom dancing to me - two people cheek to cheek gliding around the dancefloor and every now and then dipping each other and kicking. Good times. The song is "Bewitched" and at the end, the chick does a little Samantha-like nose twitch and then breaks into a huge fake "oh this is much fun" laugh that makes me want to punch her. On the whole, Helio doesn't really embarrass himself, but he doesn't look like he knows what he's doing either, at least to my eyes. The judges, though, love him. He and his blonde babe get two eights and a nine, which I gather is an awesome score. It seems Helio is an early favorite to take the checkered flag. I just want you to know right now that if Floyd gets voted off and Helio stays on, I'm still bailing on this thing. Tune in tomorrow for my recap of the results show, which hopefully will send Floyd back to the gym to do what he does best - skip that mothafuckin rope son!