The Lowdown on a Low Town

I just got back from a few days down in the mothership and let me tell you something. Philly is low, son. The whole town lives and dies with the Iggles, and after their woeful performance against the Jags, everyone is falling on their swords. The morbid resignation in people’s voices on WIP is heart-rending. I’m telling you, this city is desperate for a sports messiah. Things are bad down there.

Here’s the local take on the four teams as far as I can gather from talk radio and the papers:

1. Iggles – Andy Reid has got to go. Get us Bill Cowher, get us someone who cracks skulls. It ain’t just this part or that part, it’s the whole damn team. We’re headed into a down cycle that could last four years. McNabb is not the messiah – in fact, he’s a little too glib on the sidelines for our liking, so fuck him. Where’s the Ike Reese’s and the Duce Staley’s, where’s the guys with heart? And, oh yeah, RUN THE BALL MOTHERFUCKERS PLEASE JESUS RUN THE BALL…

2. Flyers – Reeling from the end of the Bobby Clarke era. Thinking about dealing Forsberg. Shopping for a new GM. Colin Campbell’s name getting tossed around. Everything a mess, team looking listless, darkness and doubt…

3. Fightins – Yeah yeah Howard and Utley and Rowand and now we might get Soriano but you know what? We been burned so many times with these bastards that we hardly even care anymore. Get a new manager, someone with some balls, and then maybe our ears’ll perk up. Until then, stick Pat Burrell up your ass and shut up already…

4. Sixers – Kill us now. Just kill us. The team ABSOLUTELY SUCKED last year and they did nothing in the offseason to get better. Willie fucking Green is still our two. The team might get sold so everyone’s job is uncertain. A.I. is old now, Webber’s older. Just unforgivable wackness all around.

Here's the crusher right now for the Philly phaithful- now that the Eagles are in the tank, it’s hard to even begin to see where that one championship, that saving title that will part the Slough of Despond and free our people from bondage… it’s hard to see where that’s going to come from. I can’t see it myself. Miles and miles of desert in front of us, and we’re driving a ’73 Dodge Dart that needs an oil change. Good thing we’re tough. But you know what? Even Custer died in the end. Something has to give.