This one's for Allah and it's going way out there sucka
All apologies to my boy Tanner over there, but Ahmad, “A-mahd” as Buttercrud calls him, is the coolest motherfucker on the Bad News Bears (do I have to point out that I am referring to the original movie… that I’ve never seen the remake… that only yesterday when discussing this post with CI did I even recollect the existence of the remake… that the very thought of the remake makes me sick to my stomach…). There's a notoriously rabid faction out there who deem Tanner to be the heavyweight champ of the Bears and who will no doubt find my proclamation, in true Tanner fashion, to be fighting words. Kelly Leak, also, has his acolytes out there in the world, and believe me, I see their point - any ten-year-old who rides a motorcycle and smokes and takes the pre-tits Tatum O-Neal to a Stones concert on a random Tuesday night is definitely worthy of a title belt from some sanctioning organization somewhere.
Just not from mine. The Large Belt goes to Ahmad, unanimous decision.
Consider:
• He’s the token brother in a very white movie, and at the age of ten or whatever he was, he comports himself with aplomb, or to put it another way, he stone cold represents.
• Ten years old and he’s already dedicating his home run balls, and his bunts, to Allah, which is righteous.
• Plus, he’s just flat-out righteous. Like when Kelly is running down everyone’s fly balls because Boilermaker told him to and Ahmad is having none of it. “Watchoo doin?” he says. “We got nine men out here you know.” Quite a rebuke for a ten-year-old.
• He’s carrying some serious weight on his shoulders. He’s got like eight older brothers and they’re all great athletes, neighborhood legends. That’s some heavy pressure on a young brother. But he deals.
• Hank Aaron is his favorite ballplayer. Not Willie Mays. Not Reggie Jackson. Hank Aaron. I reiterate – righteous.
• His full name is Ahmad Abdul Rahim. For reals.
• He looks like a cross between Mickey Rivers and Omar Moreno – in other words, the ideal mid-70’s speedy outfielder lead-off-man with a style quotient that is off the hook.
• The game of baseball is no joke for Ahmad. He has a bad day in the outfield, what does he do? Go crying to mom? Throw his glove? No. The kid strips down to his tighty-whiteys and climbs a tree, because he’s a disgrace to his team and his family and he don’t deserve to wear no uniform. That’s some shit right there. That’s a competitor.
My final argument is this – you got yourself a whitey feel-good movie about a ne’er-do-well little league team starring Walter Matthau as coach, you can pretty much bank on the loudmouth runt shortstop who wants to kick everyone’s ass, and the mysterious hoodlum prodigy from the wrong side of the tracks, and of course, the snot-nosed deaf-mute loser who redeems himself in the last inning of the big game. But a clean-living, jive-talking ten-year-old Black Muslim who worships Hank Aaron and climbs trees in his underwear? Say WHAT motherfucker? Truly, Ahmad comes out of left, or right field, wherever it is that he plays, and that’s why in Large’s book he rules the Bears forever.
Just not from mine. The Large Belt goes to Ahmad, unanimous decision.
Consider:
• He’s the token brother in a very white movie, and at the age of ten or whatever he was, he comports himself with aplomb, or to put it another way, he stone cold represents.
• Ten years old and he’s already dedicating his home run balls, and his bunts, to Allah, which is righteous.
• Plus, he’s just flat-out righteous. Like when Kelly is running down everyone’s fly balls because Boilermaker told him to and Ahmad is having none of it. “Watchoo doin?” he says. “We got nine men out here you know.” Quite a rebuke for a ten-year-old.
• He’s carrying some serious weight on his shoulders. He’s got like eight older brothers and they’re all great athletes, neighborhood legends. That’s some heavy pressure on a young brother. But he deals.
• Hank Aaron is his favorite ballplayer. Not Willie Mays. Not Reggie Jackson. Hank Aaron. I reiterate – righteous.
• His full name is Ahmad Abdul Rahim. For reals.
• He looks like a cross between Mickey Rivers and Omar Moreno – in other words, the ideal mid-70’s speedy outfielder lead-off-man with a style quotient that is off the hook.
• The game of baseball is no joke for Ahmad. He has a bad day in the outfield, what does he do? Go crying to mom? Throw his glove? No. The kid strips down to his tighty-whiteys and climbs a tree, because he’s a disgrace to his team and his family and he don’t deserve to wear no uniform. That’s some shit right there. That’s a competitor.
My final argument is this – you got yourself a whitey feel-good movie about a ne’er-do-well little league team starring Walter Matthau as coach, you can pretty much bank on the loudmouth runt shortstop who wants to kick everyone’s ass, and the mysterious hoodlum prodigy from the wrong side of the tracks, and of course, the snot-nosed deaf-mute loser who redeems himself in the last inning of the big game. But a clean-living, jive-talking ten-year-old Black Muslim who worships Hank Aaron and climbs trees in his underwear? Say WHAT motherfucker? Truly, Ahmad comes out of left, or right field, wherever it is that he plays, and that’s why in Large’s book he rules the Bears forever.
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