Blatter Birthday Blather
(Baggiesboy is back, filing his dispatch from Lord knows where, martini and rapier wit in hand, both thrust today in the face of the none-too-sexy septuagenarian, Sepp Blatter. Enjoy - L)
Sepp Blatter turned 72 this week. The FIFA führer, a hybrid of Norman Wisdom and Claude Rains if ever there was one, shows no signs of slowing down. During his weekend boondoggle in Scotland, presidential pronouncements were falling like leaves in Vallombrosa. Up first: bad tackles are bad. Who knew? Next: Only Englishmen should play soccer at the Olympics. Hopefully a non-Englishman will be allowed to manage the team. And last, but by no means least: Hawkeye-style review technology is for the birds. Good enough for Super Brat, but nicht Der Super Blatt.
Hey, the DSB played in the Swiss amateur leagues for years. So, who knows more about the game than him? And to be fair bad tackles ARE bad. Specifically the tackle by Birmingham City’s Martin Taylor that ended the season of Arsenal’s Eduardo da Silva and nearly severed his foot from his ankle. It was a sickening moment. But the referee did his job: Taylor got a straight red card. Premiership officials did their job: Taylor got an automatic three-game suspension. And Taylor has seemed genuinely contrite about his actions. But never one to shun a bandwagon ride, the DSB has demanded that the rules might not be sufficient. He wants to look at “the file.” While channeling his inner Stasi, perhaps he might want to reopen the Roy Keane-Alf-Inge Haaland file.
Keane’s autobiography admission of knee-capping his Norwegian nemesis drew an additional fine and five match suspension. It no doubt boosted sales of the book as well. The Swiss Alps did not echo with cries for life bans then.
The DSB might not be too “keano” on grandfathering lifetime bans on soccer players of yesteryear, (somewhere Leonardo is breathing a sigh of relief, which was a painful task for Tab Ramos after having his face broken by the Brazilian’s flying elbow at the 1994 World Cup), but he is dead set against his Scottish hosts being forced to play for a Great Britain team in the Olympic Games. Full disclosure: I also once spent a very pleasant few days at the Gleneagles Hotel. Like the DSB I was there on company business and avoided the golf course. I got my first (and so far, only) taste of haggis. A word of caution: If you are sitting next to your boss at a Gleaneagles dinner, and the bagpipes start blaring and a man in a pleated skirt with a knife tucked into his sock marches in a with a platter of seemingly unknown condiments; don’t worry. This is tradition in action. Poems will be recited, comestibles stabbed and plates of bland tasting fare put before you. Just don’t pour the accompanying wee dram of whisky on the food. That’s when things turn dire.
Perhaps someone at the Scottish FA gave the DSB a timely haggis tip. That might explain his willingness to stick it to the Sassenachs. Which is a shame. For all the talk of the London Games four years hence, both the England men’s and women’s soccer teams qualified for the Beijing Olympics this Summer. But no Brits allowed. As the DSB proudly proclaimed from his Highland lair: “you can’t have your cake and eat it.” That’s a bit rich coming from a man who has clearly eaten his share of cake. Worse though: No Wayne Rooney in Beijing (he’s only 22, wouldn’t even have to waste an overage pick on him.) No Aaron Lennon or Micah Richards slumming in the Athletes Village. And young Scottish talent such as Scott Brown, Allan Hutton and Steven Naismith don’t get a chance to whiff the pollution of China’s capital. (And wouldn’t it be fun to see Scotland’s Julie Fleeting in tandem with England’s Kelly Smith on the Olympic stage. But not to be.)
Politics trumps everything. The DSB is a master at keeping his presidential delegate count happy and firmly in his column. That might explain the Olympic boycott, but the technology blackout? If the delicate aerodynamic balance of a Formula One racing machine can allow for camera attachments, then surely a lipstick camera can be placed in each goalpost without disrupting the integrity of the beautiful game. I know NFL video replays can be tedious, but the zebras usually get it right. And the success of Hawkeye technology on the tennis tours’ proves that jocks and nerds can find common ground. But the DSB will not court such ideas. The freak show goes on. How many more Roy Carroll goal line saves does the game need? And for that matter, how many officials sitting like tennis line judges along the touchline? How insane is that? For every game two (four?) extra “referee’s assistants” will be required at every match to make sure that Geoff Hurst-style World Cup winners are never in doubt again. At corner kicks, will these “judges” sit inside the posts, ask the goal post to be moved so they can have a clear view of the goal-line, or ask defenders and goalies to stop blocking their view? Amazing.
So put away your digital all-seeing devices, pack away your Union Jack in your old kit bag, and forget about seeing Martin Taylor don a Blues jersey ever again. The DSB has spoken.
Sepp Blatter turned 72 this week. The FIFA führer, a hybrid of Norman Wisdom and Claude Rains if ever there was one, shows no signs of slowing down. During his weekend boondoggle in Scotland, presidential pronouncements were falling like leaves in Vallombrosa. Up first: bad tackles are bad. Who knew? Next: Only Englishmen should play soccer at the Olympics. Hopefully a non-Englishman will be allowed to manage the team. And last, but by no means least: Hawkeye-style review technology is for the birds. Good enough for Super Brat, but nicht Der Super Blatt.
Hey, the DSB played in the Swiss amateur leagues for years. So, who knows more about the game than him? And to be fair bad tackles ARE bad. Specifically the tackle by Birmingham City’s Martin Taylor that ended the season of Arsenal’s Eduardo da Silva and nearly severed his foot from his ankle. It was a sickening moment. But the referee did his job: Taylor got a straight red card. Premiership officials did their job: Taylor got an automatic three-game suspension. And Taylor has seemed genuinely contrite about his actions. But never one to shun a bandwagon ride, the DSB has demanded that the rules might not be sufficient. He wants to look at “the file.” While channeling his inner Stasi, perhaps he might want to reopen the Roy Keane-Alf-Inge Haaland file.
Keane’s autobiography admission of knee-capping his Norwegian nemesis drew an additional fine and five match suspension. It no doubt boosted sales of the book as well. The Swiss Alps did not echo with cries for life bans then.
The DSB might not be too “keano” on grandfathering lifetime bans on soccer players of yesteryear, (somewhere Leonardo is breathing a sigh of relief, which was a painful task for Tab Ramos after having his face broken by the Brazilian’s flying elbow at the 1994 World Cup), but he is dead set against his Scottish hosts being forced to play for a Great Britain team in the Olympic Games. Full disclosure: I also once spent a very pleasant few days at the Gleneagles Hotel. Like the DSB I was there on company business and avoided the golf course. I got my first (and so far, only) taste of haggis. A word of caution: If you are sitting next to your boss at a Gleaneagles dinner, and the bagpipes start blaring and a man in a pleated skirt with a knife tucked into his sock marches in a with a platter of seemingly unknown condiments; don’t worry. This is tradition in action. Poems will be recited, comestibles stabbed and plates of bland tasting fare put before you. Just don’t pour the accompanying wee dram of whisky on the food. That’s when things turn dire.
Perhaps someone at the Scottish FA gave the DSB a timely haggis tip. That might explain his willingness to stick it to the Sassenachs. Which is a shame. For all the talk of the London Games four years hence, both the England men’s and women’s soccer teams qualified for the Beijing Olympics this Summer. But no Brits allowed. As the DSB proudly proclaimed from his Highland lair: “you can’t have your cake and eat it.” That’s a bit rich coming from a man who has clearly eaten his share of cake. Worse though: No Wayne Rooney in Beijing (he’s only 22, wouldn’t even have to waste an overage pick on him.) No Aaron Lennon or Micah Richards slumming in the Athletes Village. And young Scottish talent such as Scott Brown, Allan Hutton and Steven Naismith don’t get a chance to whiff the pollution of China’s capital. (And wouldn’t it be fun to see Scotland’s Julie Fleeting in tandem with England’s Kelly Smith on the Olympic stage. But not to be.)
Politics trumps everything. The DSB is a master at keeping his presidential delegate count happy and firmly in his column. That might explain the Olympic boycott, but the technology blackout? If the delicate aerodynamic balance of a Formula One racing machine can allow for camera attachments, then surely a lipstick camera can be placed in each goalpost without disrupting the integrity of the beautiful game. I know NFL video replays can be tedious, but the zebras usually get it right. And the success of Hawkeye technology on the tennis tours’ proves that jocks and nerds can find common ground. But the DSB will not court such ideas. The freak show goes on. How many more Roy Carroll goal line saves does the game need? And for that matter, how many officials sitting like tennis line judges along the touchline? How insane is that? For every game two (four?) extra “referee’s assistants” will be required at every match to make sure that Geoff Hurst-style World Cup winners are never in doubt again. At corner kicks, will these “judges” sit inside the posts, ask the goal post to be moved so they can have a clear view of the goal-line, or ask defenders and goalies to stop blocking their view? Amazing.
So put away your digital all-seeing devices, pack away your Union Jack in your old kit bag, and forget about seeing Martin Taylor don a Blues jersey ever again. The DSB has spoken.
posted by Large at 1:09 AM
1 Comments:
Send Martin Taylor to Norwich. We want him and some time outside the Prem might do him some good. Though taking him on might hurt Roeder's chummy relationship with Wenger. This was Taylor's first red card of his career... he isn't a dirty player.
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