No Mas Weekend TV Guide: 3/2-3/4

MUST-SEE NO MAS TV
3/3
Miguel Cotto v. Oktay Urkal
HBO, 9:45 p.m.
The headliner is not the must-see angle here, although I always enjoy watching Cotto beat someone to a pulp, and Urkal is surely in for such a beating - his most significant result is a respectable loss to Kos Tszyu in 2001, but of late he seems to be on the way down. But the must-see fight is the undercard - Edison "Pantera" Miranda and Allan Green - two GIGUNDOUS punchers who are pissed at each other and need this fight to continue to work towards a beheading of King Jermain. This thing is guaranteed to be off the hizzle. Miranda himself has come out and warned children not to watch this fight. Classy. By the way, this card is in PR, which should make for a chaotic atmosphere. I sense that a good night is in store for all fans of ultraviolence.

UFC 68: Uprising
PPV, 10 p.m.
And if you prefer to get your ultraviolent viddies from the MMA side of things, Saturday night still has you covered with this big PPV card. Can Randy Couture become the first-ever three-time heavyweight champ? Was it a mistake for him to return to the UFC as a heavyweight in the first place? Is Matt Hughes going to be more focused coming off his loss to GSP in November? Will Rich Franklin ever be the same again? So many questions to be settled in the octagon.



BEST OF THE REST
3/2
Hoop Dreams
Sundance, 3:15 p.m.
A modern classic that I imagine every No Masian has seen, but it's one I like to watch every now and then just to keep it real.

Wonderful World of Golf - Jack Nicklaus v. Lee Trevino
Golf Channel, 6:30 p.m.
I confess that I always loved the Wonderful World of Golf matches when I was a kid. So... gentlemanly. I've never seen this one, but with the Bear and the Merry Mex trading jibes, it's got to be good.

WWE Smackdown
CW, 8 p.m.
Two Money in the Bank qualifying matches tonight: Matt Hardy vs. Joey Mercury and Chris Benoit vs. Finlay vs. MVP.

Nate Campbell v. Ricky Quiles
ESPN2, 9 p.m.
A good boxer/brawler matchup on Friday Night Fights with the potential for excitement - Nate "The Galaxxy Warrior" Campbell has one-punch power even at the age of 34. Meanwhile, Quiles is trying to comeback from the pantsing he got at the hands of Julio Diaz last year. Whoever loses this fight should definitely retire.

Daytona 500 Memories
Speed, 10 p.m. & 2 a.m.
A one-hour doc about the history of the Great American Race. Should be a lot of Cale Yarborough and Richard Petty, which is just fine by me.

Lords of Dogtown
Starz, 12:10 a.m.
I never saw this, and having seen Dogtown and Z-Boys, I never thought there was much point. Then again, I like to watch androgynous blonde pubescents on skateboards as much as the next pervert, and there's a very good chance that I will have nothing to do tonight at 12:10 a.m. and that I may suddenly decide to subscribe to "Starz" whatever that is.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
CBS, 12:35 a.m.
Oscar de la Hoya is on the show. So is John Mellencamp. Presumably they will sing a duet. Then, right when they're about to hug, Mellencamp will take off his Mellencamp mask and he will actually be Floyd Mayweather Sr. and his guitar will morph into a machine gun.

The Legend of Drunken Master
Spike, 2 a.m.
The true sequel to Drunken Master, not nearly as good as the original, but the last fight scene is completely amazing and should be studied by everyone who has ever fought a drunken kung fu battle to the death in their mind.

3/3
When We Were Kings
Showtime, 5:15 a.m. & 3:45 p.m.
This is the VERY LAST TIME. It's not my job to tell you every time this is on. Figure it out for yourselves, or just go buy the DVD like everyone else.

Semi-Tough
Encore, 5:20 a.m.
Burt Reynolds and Kris Kristofferson in a football movie from back in the easygoing 70's when a movie didn't really need a plot or a point but just two good old boys with moustaches and bad attitudes. This thing is actually pretty funny, and it spun off one of the worst TV shows ever made.

Floyd Patterson's Greatest Hits
ESPN Classic, 7 a.m.
I've seen this, and it doesn't really have the fights you'd want to see. The Bonavena fight is kind of cool just cause Floyd looks like he's 56 years old, and they have the Tom McNeely KO which is a killer. It's basically an excuse to watch the man for an hour, which is good enough for me.

Legendary Nights: Holmes v. Cooney
HBO, 5:30 a.m.
A classic, the heavyweight fight as race war, and in the middle of it all, two dudes just trying to get paid. Not enough footage of the fight in this one, unfortunately, but what you do see reminds you that, oh could Larry stick that one-two in your face.

Ringside
ESPN Classic, 1 p.m.
It's a day of Big George on Classic, as they run Foreman's two Ringsides back-to-back, The Early Years and then The Comeback.

Any Given Sunday
FX, 8 p.m.
Look here people, this is Jim Brown talking to you so listen very closely to what I say. I AM IN THIS MOVIE. If you didn't already know that, you should be bitch-slapped nine ways to Sunday, but in that I just don't have time to be bitchslapping everyone of you sissies, I'm giving you fair warning. I'm in the damn movie, so start watching it now and don't stop until I say "stop."

Israel Vasquez v. Rafael Marquez
Showtime, 9 p.m.
Tough to watch this over the Miranda/Green, Cotto/Urkal card, but it's still a quality fight. I will be Tivo'ing. They replay it right afterwards at 11:30 on Showtime Too.

Aaron Pryor v. Alexis Arguello II, 1983
ESPN Classic, 10 p.m.
I can just never get enough of either of these fights. I wish Classic would show the first one sometime. They must not own the rights. I have it on DVD, but my copy is a little wack.

3/4
Classic Battle Lines - Conn/Louis I
ESPN Classic, 7 a.m.
An hour show breaking down this infamous heavyweight title fight from 1941 where light heavyweight champ Billy Conn was ahead on points against Joe Louis but let hubris get the better of him, leading, as it so often does, to his getting his block knocked off.

Every Which Way But Loose
CMT, 8 p.m.
We don't no much here at No Mas, but we do know this - Every Which Way But Loose is the greatest movie ever made, period. Nothing else is even close. Right turn, Clyde.

Ali Triple Feature
ESPN Classic, 10:30 p.m.
Both Liston fights and then the Floyd Patterson fight from 1965. Even more so than the Liston bouts, the bout with Floyd really showcases what an untouchable fighter Ali was at that stage of his career.