Beat Street Breakdown

Well, I have been asleep at the wheel over here the past few days, very busy I am (see previous post, re: gig), but the rain, despite completely fucking up my own life, also gives me a chance to write my much belated U.S. Open draw breakdown. Again, I apologize for the delay. I know you’ve all had your bookies on hold.

Let’s start with the lads, from point of most interest to least:

1. Agassi – fucked. Scraping to get by Pavel last night. Baghdatis will take him in three. What people forget about Connors is that, in retrospect, the guy’s body held up amazingly well. Not so for the Ag. Good night and good luck.
2. Federer – fugheddaboudit. Until the quarters, Federer’s matches will barely get him a light workout before his evening schvtiz. In the quarters he could face Blake, and should JB make it to that match relatively fresh, he could throw down a melee worth watching. Kind of like an Ali/Ron Lyle affair – just on the cusp of interesting. Fed will win, of course, but at least he’ll get that look on his face that says, “I am having to try now, which displeases me,” which is a rare occurrence these days.
3. Nadal – starts it off with Poo! Jesus! The tour’s former Super Heartthrob against the Reigning Tennis Panty-Moisturizer. Presumably, unless Philipoo has got something up his sleeve that he hasn’t for about four years now, Nadal will cruise, and meet up in the quarters with either of his fellow Spaniards, David Ferrer or Tommy Robredo.
4. ARod – cruised yesterday. All that gratuitous footage of Connors down on the court, and Trautwig doing his Jimbo impersonation… enough to make you change the channel. Here’s hoping Roddick gets Fabrice Santoro in the third round and that the Frog Prince pulls one out of his ass. If not, he gets Baghdatis in the fourth, and goodnight Irene.

As fo’ the ladies:

1. The number one seed, Mauresmo still gets saddled with the unseeded shark in the waters, one Serena Williams. Amelie is trying to make it a three-major year and put her stamp on the record books, but man, getting Serena in the fourth is like… trying to tackle Bo Jackson in the backfield. Personally, I must say, I got a feeling about Serena at this one. She’s due. And she is also crazy bootylicious.
2. Hingis plays the winner of that match in the quarters. And that is where she will lose.
3. Sharp-a-rova? Maybe Mary Pierce in the fourth. Always fun to see those two mix it up. Maybe Petrova in the quarters for a good old fashioned leggy Russian pornfest.
4. And speaking of leggy pornfests, Vaidisova shouldn’t have a tough match until the fourth round, Kuznetsova, the one Russian “-ova” in all of the tennis world who is not hot. Must be tough on her. Or, you know, maybe she doesn’t give a shit.
5. Lindsay – the old American battleaxe. Some talk that she won’t be too long in following the Ag out the door. She has a pretty clean path to the quarters, where she meets The Belgian Bulldog, Justine Henin-Hardenne, at which point Lindsay takes a bow.

Aight. Time for me to lay it on the line. The Large semis look like this:

Federer v. Davydenko (with Davydenko winning a corker of quarterfinal over Andy Murray)
Baghdatis v. Nadal

Serena v. Sharapova
Vaidisova v. Henin-Hardenne

One final thing. I look at my draw this morning and see that should Agassi by some miracle get past Baghdatis in the second, he could face one B. Becker in the third round. And I said, some things never change…