posted by Large

Bit of a lull in the fistic festivities this weekend as we get ourselves ready for the following weekend and the competing HBO (Pavlik v. Lockett) and Showtime (Forrest v. Mora, Quintana/Williams rematch) cards on June 7th.

But as I scanned the fight schedule for this week, I did notice that Danny Williams would be in action, stepping into the ring on Friday night with one Konstantin Airich in a bout in that ballyhooed fight capital of the world, Bilbao. I wonder if they’re fighting at the art museum.

For such a mediocre talent, Williams has quite a claim on heavyweight history in the new millennium, being both the last man to face the last true lineal heavyweight champ, Vitali Klitschko, and the next-to-last man to face the last true unified and undisputed heavyweight champ, Mike Tyson.

Of course, Vitali is returning to the ring, which will erase Williams’ privileged place in his record as his final victim. And Tyson, well, though there has been talk of Iron Mike stepping back into the ring (Holyfield III, Kimbo Slice), the recent press surrounding the man and the Tyson documentary that was a sensation in Cannes all point to a potential new reign for Mike as The Mellowest Man on the Planet.

Lest the return of the spotlight give Tyson any ideas, however, I submit his KO at the hands of Williams as our No Mas Knockout of the Week. This no doubt should have been his last fight, if indeed his last fight shouldn’t have happened years beforehand. In that I watched Tyson’s gradual decline over the years, when I saw this fight I wasn’t quite as startled as I might have been at the deterioration of everything that he had once been in the ring. Four years removed, though, with mostly the young, feral Kid Dynamite era in my mind’s eye, I’m more shocked than I was at the time at what became of the fighting Mike. This is much worse than Louis/Marciano, or Ali/Holmes, or Holmes/Tyson. At least those fading superstars got embarrassed by the best the ring could offer, legends in their own right. Mike, meanwhile, got embarrassed Danny Freakin Williams.

Dear Evander,

We love you. You are one of the truly heroic warriors of the recent era. Your trilogy with Bowe will live forever in boxing lore, as well as your battles with Tyson, Foreman, and Lennox. You gave us many great nights and we are proud to have had you in the ring during our lifetime.

Please don’t fight any more. Your recent bouts have been humiliating. You are showing early signs of pugilistic dementia, and more punishment at this stage will only severely hasten your demise. They suspended you for a reason, Evander – to save you from yourself. If no one in your inner circle will tell you the truth, listen to us, because we say this out of enormous respect for your accomplishments. Your claim that you want to be heavyweight champ again is preposterous. Fat James Toney made you look like a cheap sparring partner, and then you lost a decision to Larry Donald in one of the most unpleasant bouts we’ve seen in years.

If you really need to spar, call Heidi Klum again. That’s just the kind of tete-a-tete we wish upon you. As for actual boxing, we beg you, throw in the towel. Your legacy is secure, and you’re a righteous motherfucker. Give your brain a break.

Love,

No Mas