I quote Harold Lederman in my title to sum up an utterly bizarre night of boxing, one marred by disgraceful refereeing and blind-as-a-bat-ass judging, but ending with a memorable scrap that, just by a hair, redeemed the evening. Let’s go straight to the videotape:

Alfredo Angulo – TKO5 – Cosme Rivera
There’s not much to say about this fight that we didn’t know going in. Alfredo is hard as the nails that all the other nails are afraid of. That cut he got was seriously nasty, and just like Paul Williams last November against Verno Phillips, he brushed it off like it was less than a scratch. Of course, Cosme Rivera is welterweight and a journeyman by profession, a damn good one and game as they come (more on that in a second), but an undersized journeyman nonetheless, not at all a guy destined to hang in for very long against a perro with Angulo’s kind of bite.

So why, WHY, did Rivera have to take so many lethal shots before… Christ, before the Commission rep had to jump in the ring and save his ass? JESUS. Did you see Shannon Briggs in the crowd yelling for it to be stopped? He looked exactly like I did at that moment – hands on his head, pain in his eyes, screaming for someone to stop the goddamn fight.

It was horrendous to watch. Boxing is absolutely digusting when a ref and a corner don’t do their jobs to save a poor fucker like Rivera from himself. Because, look, Rivera is a Mexican nobody fighting on HBO on short notice. He knows he’s there to give the fans a good show, and like many a proud Mexican before him, he’s got the will and the heart of a thousand rhinos. Angulo probably would have had to shoot him in the face a couple of times before he would have hit the canvas of his own accord.

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Dear Evander,

We love you. You are one of the truly heroic warriors of the recent era. Your trilogy with Bowe will live forever in boxing lore, as well as your battles with Tyson, Foreman, and Lennox. You gave us many great nights and we are proud to have had you in the ring during our lifetime.

Please don’t fight any more. Your recent bouts have been humiliating. You are showing early signs of pugilistic dementia, and more punishment at this stage will only severely hasten your demise. They suspended you for a reason, Evander – to save you from yourself. If no one in your inner circle will tell you the truth, listen to us, because we say this out of enormous respect for your accomplishments. Your claim that you want to be heavyweight champ again is preposterous. Fat James Toney made you look like a cheap sparring partner, and then you lost a decision to Larry Donald in one of the most unpleasant bouts we’ve seen in years.

If you really need to spar, call Heidi Klum again. That’s just the kind of tete-a-tete we wish upon you. As for actual boxing, we beg you, throw in the towel. Your legacy is secure, and you’re a righteous motherfucker. Give your brain a break.

Love,

No Mas